


Under the Mistletoe

by demarafis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Fourth Wall
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-27
Updated: 2011-12-27
Packaged: 2017-10-30 06:48:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,981
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/328948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/demarafis/pseuds/demarafis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just another forced bonding story. Really.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Under the Mistletoe

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in November of 2011 for Snape_Potter's Secret Snarry Exchange Fest, prompt #2.
> 
> **A/N:** Many thanks to the lovely [MissE](http://archiveofourown.org/users/MissE/) and the wonderful [Sighing_Selkie](http://archiveofourown.org/users/sighing_selkie/) for beta'ing this story. Also, I'd like to state that no disrespect was meant toward US Postal Service workers despite how they are cast in this story. In fact, I'd like to thank all postal workers around the world for making sure our holiday parcels arrive on time. The holidays will not be the same without you!
> 
> **Disclaimer:** I don't own the HP world or the characters. I just play in JKR's sandbox. Sharing is caring!

  


** Under the Mistletoe **

  


"Harry, thank you for your prompt arrival. How are you, my boy? Lemon drop?"

"Good morning Headmaster. I'm fine. No thanks. What's happening? Is Voldemort on the move again?"

"This isn't Order business, Harry, but it is no less pressing."

"What is it?"

"You need to Bond with Severus."

" _What?!?_ "

"It is necessary for you to Bond with Professor Snape."

"Please tell me this isn't another forced bonding story, sir!"

"This is exactly the case, Harry!"

"What's the excuse this time? A magical stone said the world will fall apart if I'm not married to the greasy git?"

"That's Professor Snape to you, whelp."

"AHH! Snape! What are you doing here?"

"Isn't it obvious? As the other party in the Bond, I need to be present."

"But you weren't here when I came in!"

"If you had _bothered_ to survey your surroundings at your entrance, you would have seen me. In fact, I'm surprised you survived your encounters with the Dark Lord the last two years."

"I — "

"The same can't be said of your mutt of a dogfath—"

"TAKE THAT BACK YOU ARSE—"

"That's _enough_ , the _both_ of you! This is no time to be antagonizing each other!"

"Please, sir, tell me this is just fantasy."

"I'm afraid this is reality, Harry."

"The Ministry found an ancient law which states I have to be married or Voldemort wins?"

"No —"

"I don't have to become pregnant, do I?"

"Your magic is not yet mature enough to support a child, my boy."

"Wait, are you saying men _can_ become pregnant??!"

"For Merlin's sake, Potter, this is a Yuletide Bond. No marriage, no pregnancy, no Ministry involvement. At. All."

"So the Yuletide Goblet spat out a slip of paper with our names on it? Yeah right."

"That was exactly what happened, Harry!"

"Can we cease the inane chatter and actually discuss the issue in question? I have better things to do than babysitting an ignorant _brat_."

"Why of course! Harry, you and Severus were chosen to bear the Yuletide Bond this year. You have exactly two weeks to complete the Bond. The progress of the Bond dictates how much Christmas Spirit will be available to the world. In addition, if the Bond is not complete to its fullest by Christmas Eve, a great misfortune will befall you both for the rest of your lives. These scrolls contain more information. And that is all there is to it, my boys!"

"A great misfortune? That doesn't sound _too_ bad."

"No, Potter. You do NOT want to end up like Trelawney and Percy Weasley."

"They had to bond?"

"Yes. 1990."

"That's the year before I came to Hogwarts."

"The year before the _return_ of the Dark Lord."

"Why do you want the bond to succeed? Don't you want me to be cursed with bad luck so Voldemort will win?"

"You think too highly of yourself again, Potter, for no matter how much _luck_ you have, your absolutely _deplorable_ skills are not comparable to the Dark Lord's. Yet, as dedicated as I am to my _cause_ , I do not wish to be subjected to debilitating Potions accidents on a daily basis."

"Exactly, Severus! Due to the gravity of the situation, Harry, you will start working together with Severus right away."

"But sir, how can I bond with such an evil Death-Eater bastard —"

"Ten points from Gryffindor, Mr. Potter, and you just earned yourself two weeks' worth of detentions with _me_. Starting _tonight_."

"What an excellent excuse, Severus! Looks like you've everything in hand. I'll leave the rest to you then!"

"Very well, Headmaster."

"Why, _why_ does it always have to be me?"

"Because you are the protagonist, you imbecile!"

* * * * *

"Blimey, Harry, you're white as a sheet! You alright?"

"I'm fine..."

"You've been acting strange since that meeting with Dumbledore —"

" _Professor_ Dumbledore. Plus, Professor Snape has been staring daggers at you since the meeting."

"He looks like he wants to skin you alive, the slimy git —"

"Ron, I know you don't like Professor Snape, but it doesn't hurt to show him some respect once in a while."

"Guys, I'd rather not talk about it."

"Oh Harry, does this have anything to do with Gryffindor's missing points?"

"Er..."

"Or your two weeks of detentions with Professor Snape?"

"How do you know about this?!!"

"It's Hermione, mate. Nothing much escapes her."

"Ron!"

"Look, it's none of your business."

"But Harry —"

"Hermione, I know you mean well but you can't help."

"Harry, you _need_ — mMmm!"

"...Hermione, I love it when you're full of indignation."

"mMmmmm."

"Well, seeing how you two are busy and all, I might as well get a head start on my detention."

"hMmm."

"Don't wait up for me."

"hMmmmmmm..."

"mmMmm..."

* * * * *

"I'm here."

"Mr. Potter, arriving _early_ for detention? My, my, did the Apocalypse arrive?"

"…Greasy bat…"

"Language, Potter. You just earned yourself another week of detentions."

"...Evil git."

"Make that two weeks. I never knew you took so much delight my company."

"Where. Is. The. Information. On. The. Bonding. Process."

"Didn't that insufferable know-it-all enlighten you?"

"What are you talking about?"

"You had an entire day to familiarize yourself with the Bond, yet you just squandered away the time?"

"Shut up."

"Impertinent brat. You want to spend even more time in my presence?"

"NO! Alright, _Professor_ , what do we need to do to complete the Yuletide Bond?"

"Very well. The scrolls the Headmaster gave us lists ten tasks to be performed. In addition, I've taken the initiative to obtain all books on the Yuletide Bond from the library —"

"Wait. If _all_ the books are here, then I couldn't have done any research!"

"How astute, Potter."

"Why, you planned this didn't you? You _made sure_ I had to rely on you, you ev—"

"Mr. Potter, I didn't know you were so _enthusiastic_ to spend more time with the _greasy bat_."

"I am not, _sir_."

"Shall we continue the task at hand, then?"

"Yes, _sir!_ "

"As I anticipated your ineptitude in preparing for _or_ undertaking prior research on the subject, I summarized the information for the tasks. Here."

"Thank you, _sir_."

"You're not reading, Potter."

"Yes I am. Can't you see my eyes move?"

"Yes, your eyes are roaming over the parchment, but it doesn't tell me whether you are _perusing_ the document."

"Perusing...?"

"It means to read thoroughly or with care. Read it out loud so you are at least _focusing_ on the words."

"I'm not a little kid! I don't _need_ to read out loud!"

"Five points from Gryffindor for cheek and failure to follow instructions."

"Fuck you, Snape."

"That should be 'fuck you, _Professor_ Snape' to you, Mr. Potter. Another five points for not keeping appropriate decorum."

"Why can't you loosen up? The world is not going to end if I didn't say _Professor_."

"Another point from Gryffindor for insolence."

"Alright already! I'll read it out loud!

" _The purpose of the Yuletide Bond is for a Bonded couple to fill the Yuletide Cheer Bar. The Bar is located above the staff entrance on the inside of the Great Hall, under the bough of mistletoe. Only the Bonded couple may see the Yuletide Cheer Bar, and only the Bonded couple may fill the Yuletide Cheer Bar._

" _There are ten tasks to be completed in order for the Bar to reach fullness. The tasks are designed to foster camaraderie and trust between the Bonded couple, for only a true partnership may complete the Yuletide Bond. The tasks are as follows:_

_1\. Find seven swimming swanlings and bless them.  
2\. Prime a Nicholas for the role of Father Christmas.  
3\. Visit an orchard and wassail the trees.  
4\. Sacrifice a goat by fire. (Remove the bezoar beforehand; no need to waste a perfectly good potions ingredient.)  
5\. Confound all US Postal Service (USPS) workers.  
6\. Perform a Nativity play.  
7\. Recruit a drummer to your cause.  
8\. Exchange essence with each other.  
9\. Make five (golden) rings.  
10\. Hang mistletoe over every doorway._

"Trust and camaraderie? Us? This is impossible. We'll never complete the Bond. The entire world is doomed!"

"Cease your dramatics at once, Potter! Do you have no trust in the author? Your task tonight is to read this book on Yuletide Bonds _silently_. You will be quizzed on it tomorrow, so don't you _dare_ let its contents ooze out of that pitiful peapod you call a brain. And get out of my sight when you're done."

"...yes sir..."

* * * * *

"Oh, Harry, you look even worse than yesterday! What happened during detention?"

"Hermione, can't you ever let a man eat in peace? I'm sure Harry doesn't want to think about the Great Big Prat."

"Thanks, Ron. And Hermione, I already said yesterday that you guys can't help."

"So how about the points you lost last night?"

"It wasn't my fault, Hermione."

"What happened, mate?"

"I lost five points for not following instructions, and five points for not saying 'fuck you, _Professor_ Snape'."

"Bwahahaha!"

"Harry! I thought you were going to show him respect, unlike _some_ people!"

"Don't mind her, Harry. Hermione needs to have a sense of humour sometimes."

"But Harry — mMmm!"

"I guess I'll go to Potions early then. Later Ron, Hermione."

"hMmmmmmm..."

"mmMmm..."

* * * * *

"I'm here for _detention_ , sir."

"How lovely, Mr. Potter, arriving on time once again."

"Can we get on with it, _sir_?"

"Certainly. After last night's reading, do you have any questions?"

"Yes sir. What exactly is the essence, and what do I need to do to exchange it with you?"

"You'll have the _pleasure_ of finding that out when it happens."

"For some reason, I'm getting the opposite impression... What about that Nativity play? Why is 'nativity' capitalised? Do we have to put it on for Hogwarts?"

"Who knows what eccentricities made Albus capitalize 'nativity'. Besides, do you ever remember attending a nativity play here?"

"No...? Oh! Okay. Why aren't the swanlings cygnets?"

"Swanlings and cygnets are the same thing. Well done, Potter. I'm surprised 'swanlings' and 'cygnets' are a part of your vocabulary."

"I _do_ go to the library, you know."

"Ah, but going to the library doesn't automatically mean you are _studying_ or _comprehending_ the subject matter."

"Can't we have _one_ decent conversation without you making a dig at me, Snape?"

"Five points, Mr. Potter. Do I need to explain the reason?"

"No, _sir_."

"Any other questions?"

"Do we just go to any orchard for the wassailing task?"

"Why the object between your ears didn't tell you to look this up at the library, I will not understand. But to answer your question, apple trees, and by extension, apple orchards, are where we need to go."

"And going to the States to confound the USPS workers is not a joke?"

"Why would I arrange for international portkeys and spend countless evenings hunting down postal workers instead of brewing potions?"

"Oh..."

"As the _adult_ in this Bond, it is up to _me_ to make all travel arrangements. In fact, the portkey will be ready tomorrow."

"Thank you, sir, truly."

"I have difficulties believing you are 'truly thankful' for your despised Potions teacher."

"You aren't my Potions teacher anymore, Slughorn is. And I'm doing better in his class than I ever did in yours!"

"Ten points from Gryffindor!"

"You can't keep taking points from me for no reason!"

"Is that a _dare_ , Mr. Potter?"

"Why are you always such a mean bastard?"

"Another ten points. It is beyond time you learned to Watch. Your. Mouth. If you've no more questions, read this book and take notes. You will be spending another week with me if the notes are not up to par. Understood?"

"Yes sir. Er, sir?"

"What, Potter?"

"Why do we need to confound postal workers? Making them confused during holiday season seems counter-productive."

"Because fewer packages are lost when they are confounded than when they are sober and alert. Confundus for dummies to _increase_ efficiency. How… peculiar. Now get to work!"

"Confundus for dummies... Sectumsempra for enemies..."

"What did you say, Potter?"

"Er... Nothing, sir."

"How did you find out about that spell?"

"What spell, sir?"

"Mr. Potter, you haven't had an Occlumency lesson in months. Why don't we test how much you have improved. _Legilimens!_ "

"— OH FUCK YOU, SNAPE, fuck you, you great sodding prat! That was PRIVATE! You can't —"

" _Silencio! Petrificus Totalus!_ My oh my, this is a great poetic justice! I would never have imagined the _great_ Harry Potter mooning over his father's arch-enemy in a hundred years. And sleeping with my book every night! James Potter is probably rolling in his grave right now, knowing that his _son_ is having sexual fantasies of _Snivellus_! I'm surprised you managed to kick me out. It seems your skills have improved a smidgen. _Finite Incantatem_. And twenty points for language!"

"You're the Half-Blood Prince?!?!?"

"Indeed, Mr. Potter. And I want. My. BOOK. _RETURNED_!! Now finish your notes and get out of my sight!"

* * * * *

"Blimey, Harry, you're positively _green_ today..."

"I'm not going to ask about the points, Harry, I swear! But… Is this another forced bonding story between you and Professor Snape?"

"Merlin, Hermione's right, isn't she? And this is the nine thousand and first forced bonding story for you and Snape."

"I can't believe you kept count, Ron!"

" _Harry James Potter_ , don't you dare try to change the subject! You didn't answer my question!"

"…Yes... Andhesthehalfbloodprince."

"What?"

"Snape. He's the Half-Blood Prince, and he wants his book back."

"Bloody hell!"

* * * * *

"You're five minutes late, Potter. Are you afraid to gaze upon the face of your _lover_? Oh, wait, you didn't have _any_ problems arriving on time the last two nights. Five points from Gryffindor."

"..."

"The international portkey is ready. We will be going to the front gates and leaving for the United States in ten minutes."

"...It's impossible."

"What's impossible, Potter?"

"My true love is my _second_ worst enemy! There is no way we will develop enough affection to complete the Bond in time for Christmas!! Plus, we can't finish the story in less than three thousand words!!!"

"Cease your hysterics at once, Potter! What's this word count limit you are blathering on about?"

"The fest overview says the word limit is five hundred to three thousand words!"

"But the fest _rules_ state there is no maximum. No maximum, Potter!"

"Oh. Wait, what if — "

"We have to reach exactly six hundred more words before hitting three thousand. There is absolutely no need for you to behave like an overwrought nincompoop!!"

"Okay. Alright. What are the things we need for our tasks again?"

"You should have it memorized already, since you so _dutifully_ researched the Bond for two entire nights!"

"I know, another week of detentions with you. Please, sir?"

"Since you enjoy my company so much, very well. Seven swimming swanlings, a Nicholas, an orchard — an apple orchard, a goat, USPS workers, a Nativity play, a drummer, essence, five rings, and mistletoe."

"I don't think we have enough time to plan and perform a play — "

"One moment, Potter. S, n, o, g, u, n, d, e, r, m... Snog under m... Snog under mistletoe! Albus you great sodding PRAT! Just _wait_ until I get my hands on you! Potter, Great Hall, now!"

"Yessir!"

* * * * *

"How convenient, the mistletoe's right above the Yuletide Cheer Bar."

"Er, are we supposed to snog here right now, sir?"

"Yes, Potter. Lucky for you, you will get to experience 'first base' with the Half-Blood Prince."

"Who is a Death Eater."

"A Death Eater hired by _Albus_ sodding _Dumbledore_ with his full knowledge and consent."

"That doesn't mean anything!"

"It's amazing how one can see the gears turn in your head, Potter. Tell me, have you thought of trying your hand at espionage? Your targets will have a field day with your lively and expressive face."

"No. I, er... Oh!!!"

"James Potter isn't spinning in his grave yet. We — UMM!"

"Mmmm."

"Hmmm..."

"That was brilliant!"

"Lip-bruising and teeth-banging aside, it was a... decent effort."

"The Yuletide Cheer Bar isn't empty anymore!"

"Of course not. Why am I always paired with veritable fools?"

"Because Hermione is busy with Ron. Say, do you think the bar will fill out more if we kiss again?"

"We can put that hypothesis to the test."

"mmMmmm..."

"It appears the bar is indeed progressing."

"Merlin, I didn't know you could kiss like that, Snape!"

"Professor Snape. There is a _lot_ you don't know about me, Potter."

"We'll have to thank Accioslash and Torino for putting the fest up. Otherwise we wouldn't have gotten together."

"And the prompter."

"Right. I hope the other 49 Snapes and Harrys are having a good time as well."

"You talk too much, brat."

"Fine."

"Hmmmmm."

"That better?"

"Much."

"Do we still need to confound those postal workers?"

"Seeing how the bar is filling up nicely, I think not. Besides, why Apparate through half a continent when we can just do this?"

"Mmmmmmmmm. I see your point. It's too bad we won't get to see the States."

"We are not going to the States? Why waste a perfectly good, _legal_ portkey when— Umfph! POTTER! I did _not_ give you leave to grapple me and crush me to death!"

"You _are_ nice. Sometimes."

"I am not! I just see no reason to _waste_ my hard work when — mHhmm... "

"I think _you_ are the one talking too much, sir."

"Impudent brat. Learn to waggle your tongue in a more useful manner."

"Will do, _Professor_."

"hMmmmm..."

"Hey! The Yuletide Cheer Bar is almost full!"

"How _very_ observant."

"Think another kiss will complete the Bond?"

"That is quite likely."

"What'll we do with the rest of the detentions?"

"I'm sure there are a multitude of activities sufficient to keep your saucy mouth occupied."

"Mm... That sounds doable."

"Indeed, Mr. Potter."

"Shall we get on with that kiss, then?"

"Very well."

"mmmmmmmmMmm!"

* * * * *

On the other side of the doors, an old man with knee-length beard and madly twinkling eyes _smiled_.  
  


-The End-


End file.
